Cool stories from the lives of doctors. Funny medical case histories - funny jokes from the life of doctors about the hospital and patients. Clinic stories are cool
The hero of this story works as a dentist. And then one day a girl came to see him to have a tooth removed. The tooth was safely removed and the doctor asked the girl to sit until her gums stopped bleeding. Usually the bleeding stops after 20 minutes, but in this case the bleeding did not stop even after 40, and this servant of Hippocrates went to the senior doctor for advice on what to do. He says - ask the girl, is she menstruating by any chance? Maybe she should be injected with some kind of coagulant to help her blood clot better? Well, the doctor approaches the girl and quietly asks:
“Excuse me, girl, are you menstruating by any chance?”
To which this frame responds, after thinking a little: “No. But I’m busy in the evening.”
I want to tell a story that happened to my brother, who worked as a dentist after graduating from college. A woman came to him to have a tooth removed. The brother gave a painkiller injection and began to pull the tooth. The woman was in pain, he gave another injection, the woman was in pain. I put another one on, but the woman was still in pain. There have never been such cases before. He tells her: “Woman, you’re not in pain, you’re just not pleased.” He removed her tooth. The woman left, after which it dawned on him that he had given injections to the lower jaw and removed a tooth from the upper jaw.
Sent by Larisa
A friend of mine, a doctor, told me the story. I'm telling you on his behalf. After graduating from the institute, I did an internship in intensive care. And then one day in the spring they bring a guy - a victim of unhappy love. I must say that in the spring they simply bring such idiots to hospitals in batches, hormones are raging. That guy was poisoned by something, but not completely. They pumped him out, gave him an IV, and he lies there. And since all this time he was yelling that he wouldn’t live without her, that he would kill himself, they tied him to the bed with straps.
Since everything is fine with the boy, we need to transport him from the intensive care unit, which is what I was instructed to do. I’m taking him with an IV, but he doesn’t calm down, he’s screaming. I got a little tired of this and decided to make fun of it.
“Oh, so,” I say, “if you don’t want to live, well, don’t, you’ll be an organ donor.” And I disconnect his IV. The action is harmless, but it produces another effect. And I take him further. He became quiet. I approach the elevator. But I must say that it could be transported in two ways: from above, and through the basement, where the morgue is. So, I go into the elevator, they ask me where:
- Upstairs, or to the morgue?
I say: - To the morgue. The boy turns white and begins to mutter something about killer doctors. When we got to the bottom, he started yelling at the top of his voice:
- Save, help, they are killing! And everyone sees that the man is clearly not himself, strapped to the bed, and they don’t pay any attention to this, someone calms him down:
- It doesn’t hurt, just be patient and you’re done... The boy understands that this is clearly a universal conspiracy, remembers all the films where people’s organs are cut out and falls into complete prostration...
When we got to the ward, it became scary to look at him; he was lying all white, submissive to fate. He didn’t try to commit suicide again, shock therapy, you know...
(From Ilya Kureev)
Notes on pieces of paper written by helpline staff:
...the woman is really bad, but she doesn’t want to hang herself...
...ran away from home 3 days ago. Now he lives on a collective farm. His friend mumbled during a conversation, depicting the atmosphere of a village, or a collective farm...
...added 21+22 minutes 3 and with my hint I got somewhere around 32 or 37...
...if someone offends me with their behavior, then I immediately go crazy - I throw sticks, bricks, I can break my arm. The circle of friends is small...
...I cried all night. Please advise why...
...my wife called, there were problems with her husband. He doesn’t pay any attention to her at all: how she’s dressed, whether the house is cleaned or not, she might scratch her heel when guests are present...
...afraid of ghosts, so I drank 200 g of vodka...
...tried to explain family problems mathematically. He is X, his wife is Y. They have different poles and when he wants to kiss her, lightning appears. He asked us as a team to solve his problem...
... is undergoing psychiatric treatment. Wondering what naked women are made of...
...she shoots up cocaine
...(at night) we agreed that by 3 a.m. a person gets very tired and goes to bed
...the hysterical girl kept trying to convince me that she was crazy and that it was time for her to go to a mental hospital. Convinced.
...boys and girls beat me. Oh, mom has come...
...sons, 17 and 22 years old, smoke cannabis. AHA! Psychiatry has a future...
Students' stupidities, a whole book, collected by prof. Syropyatov Head of Department PAT.ANY PGFA. The humor is highly specialized, but I chose something:
1. Women differ from each other by gender.
2. The flash of flies before the eyes.
3. The development of a theory of stress leads to the development peptic ulcer stomach.
4. Two tablets intravenously.
5. Inflammation is caused by chemical factors, including radiation and ultraviolet light.
6. Only 5% of patients survive treatment for lung cancer.
7. In stage 3 of chronic heart failure, a person is in a horizontal position, waiting for a heart attack.
8. Nausea - the desire to remove food from the stomach.
9. A grand mal seizure begins unnoticed: the patient bends over, his tongue sticks out.
10. In acute lymphogranulomatosis, the prognosis is favorable: patients live up to a year.
11. Patients with schizophrenia can be found even among candidates of science.
12. Biological death is everything:, well... 3.14zdets.
13. A person can live without food for 50-60 days, or at least up to a month.
14. Red blood cells have a convex shape, which is why they are called biconcave.
15. Hemophilia manifests itself in men with nasal and uterine bleeding.
16. Static work is work that is done without physical activity, i.e. at rest.
17. An example of inhibition in the nervous system: For example, you want to buy something, but there is no money, and if there were no inhibition, the desire to buy would persist for a very long time.
18. The presence of vasomotor nerves was proven by Claude Bernard, who, in experiments on frogs, found that cutting the nerves in their neck leads to dilation of the blood vessels in the rabbit’s ear.
19. Intrauterine development.
20. When a baby is born for the first time, it emerges from the mother’s genital tract.
21. An example of an orienting reflex: If a person falls, then with the help of this reflex he immediately recognizes that he is already lying down.
22. Diagnosis: Material deficiency.
23. Claude Bernard cut the sciatic nerve leading to the frog's ear.
24. In young and elderly children, reactivity is increased.
25. Depression is a frightened state of the patient.
26. Muscles are transversely striated, longitudinally striated and longitudinally transverse.
27. Method of developing the visual reflex: First, light is given, then a blow is applied to the eye.
28. In schizophrenia, a person is overcome by degradation and renunciation.
29. People of the thinking type are thoughtful, their first signal system predominates, they often ask themselves questions to which they cannot give answers.
30. Women live on average 10 years longer than people.
31. Genital organs come in different sizes.
32. An example of bone conduction of sound: if a person is hit on the head, he will hear a sound.
33. Diagnosis: Sexual coma.
34. Minute volume of respiration is the volume of gases expelled from the body in 1 minute.
35. Profuse cough (There is a concept of profuse diarrhea, compatible - we get a method of treating colds with purgen).
36. When a nerve cell jumps onto a muscle cell, a twitching of the paw occurs.
37. The human skeleton, if desired, can be disassembled.
38. Teacher: “Do you understand yourself?” Student: “I’ve stopped now.”
39. Teacher: "What organs are involved in digestion?" Student: "Everything except the sexual ones."
40. Diagnosis: Hemorrhoidal shock.
41. It is easier to eliminate a patient than to cure him.
42. Menopause - the transition from puberty to old age.
43. Ex: “What kind of cholecystitis are you talking about - acute or chronic?” Art.: “I don’t remember.”
44. In a person, in the lower part of the body there are buttocks in the back, and in the front... the kidneys.
(C) B.Ya. Syropyatov
At the Hospital, the head physician, Velm, holds a hospital-wide planning meeting. He talks, he talks, he talks. Everyone is bored, but everyone is listening. Only the manager anesthesiology Baturin sits and, not paying attention to anyone, does a manicure, i.e. cuts his nails with tweezers (You can be a efficient person, etc...) In the silence of the audience there is only the monotonous speech of the speaker and no less monotonous methodical clicks. Moreover, the latter are heard louder. Velm cannot stand it, interrupts and remarks displeasedly:
- Sergei Mikhailovich, could you cut your nails in another place?
To which the anesthesiologist Privalov reacts indifferently from the last row:
- But they don’t grow anywhere else!
Barnaul gynecologists told me this story)))))).
A woman comes to the maternity hospital for an appointment with a gynecologist and lies down in a chair. She pulls on her gloves and approaches the patient, crying out in dissatisfaction, why didn’t she shave, the birth is soon, they already warned her to do it immediately, etc... She kicks herself out of the chair, saying her husband won’t allow it. Where's the husband? Yes, he came with me, it’s icy, and he’s standing outside the door in the hallway, worried about his firstborn. The gynecologist flies out into the corridor, grabs the man by the sleeve, and pulls him into the examination room. What is this, she shouts, this is why, how can I work in such conditions, and where did you see all this? He replies that he hasn’t seen it, and that he’s seeing it for the first time. The gynecologist is indignant, they say, if you haven’t seen it, then why are you pointing it out to her and not letting us work. To which the man reasonably objects that he sees this woman in a chair, lying all over, for the first time in her life. She in a weak voice confirms his testimony that it is unknown who. Ah-ah-ah-ah, the man guesses, you need the one who went out to smoke... so he, ha-ha, will come soon. They basically pushed me out into the corridor.
Sent by Vladimir http://www.rubtsovsk.ru/~helplus
I'm from Perm medical academy and I would like to tell you funny cases that arose during final state exams.
The student is given X-ray, which depicts an ankle fracture. When she saw this picture, she proudly said: “This is a fracture humerus!" The professor was surprised and began asking “leading” questions: he took him by the shoulder and, palpating, said: “You see, girl, you have one bone in the shoulder area, and the picture shows 2,” to which the girl said: “It must be two!"...
The professor shows the student a tongue holder and asks what kind of instrument it is. She replies: “It’s a clamp!” Then the professor asked: “Why don’t the jaws close?” To which the student replied: “Factory defect!”...
The student is shown an irrigogram. The professor asked what was shown in the photo. To which I received the answer: “X-ray of the stomach with barium.” Then the professor asked: “Why, instead of the stomach, the picture shows colon?". The student replied: “The barium passed bypassing the stomach”...
Question to a student during the exam: “What are the main symptoms of a pelvic fracture?” Silence. A minute later the answer: “Sexual dysfunction!”...
On the professor's rounds. The patient is sleeping. A student comes up to her and bothers her with all his might: “You’re sick, complain, complain, you’re sick!”...
Sent by Boris
Academician Pavlov was a very pious person. One day, in the twenties, while crossing the street, he heard bell ringing and began to earnestly cross himself... The ruddy policeman, looking at him disapprovingly, exclaimed: “Eh, grandfather... And all from ignorance!”
How to do exercises correctly so as not to harm yourself
Head exercise
For this exercise you will need a small head that can be found between your hands. Place your head on the floor in front of you. Take it with both hands. On the count of one, we raise our head as high as possible, on the count of two, we lower it. And so 20-25 times.
Exercise privatization
For this exercise you will need an expander (if you don’t have one, take it from a neighbor), dumbbells (you can take them from another neighbor), a jump rope (you can ask a neighbor’s girl for it) and a tracksuit, which one of your friends will probably have. Now put it all in the closet and go about your business. These things may be useful to you someday.
Exercise with plates
A partner is needed to perform this exercise; your wife is best. Your partner stands near the cupboard with dishes, and you give a conditioned signal with a phrase like: You are as stupid as your mother! Quick side tilt! Now to another! Bounce! Get down! Did not have time? Do not despair! Move on to the next cabinet.
www.komar.spb.ru (c) Publishing House "Cross-Media" [email protected]
From letters sent to the magazine "Health".
1. I was told that you can get rid of freckles by lowering your face 5-6 cm into an anthill.
2. What needs to be done to have a correct speech impediment?
3. Your magazine does not respond to my call, which I emit for the first time...
4. I was awarded a plaque of honor for my good work.
5. From childhood until marriage, I didn’t know what illness was, it was both along and across.
6. I am in the dark about sexuality because I didn’t receive any knowledge at the institute.
7. I can't have children. If there are artificial embryos of good quality and germinated, is it possible to deliver them to pharmacies in the city of Penza?
8. She insults me with verbal adjectives of a sexual nature.
9. I feel... but not well.
10. The Ministry by communication...
11. After removing the skull, I went to the doctor...
12. A year and a half ago, my sexual apparatus stopped working. Now the sexual apparatus is again in a lethargic state...
13. In my youth, I was engaged in self-care for a long time, now I am 40 years old, and I am not suitable for married life...
14. How to get rid of snoring: I tried sleeping in a gas mask and went to the medical unit - it didn’t help.
A doctor's story.
One evening a strange couple came into my waiting room. a disheveled man with a bottle of beer and a tear-stained lady. Watching them through the slightly open door of the office, I decided that in front of me was an ordinary alcoholic and his tortured wife, especially since their dialogue was quite typical.
Now remove this disgusting thing. - the lady sobbed, can you even live without this for five minutes?
“Just a little more,” the man answered absentmindedly, “right now.”
I invited the lady into the office, and she, sobbing continuously, began to tell me.
Doctor, I was told that with the help of psychoanalysis you do miracles. No, you can’t even imagine how terrible it is! My husband used to be a decent person, but now... He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat, forgets everything, chases monsters at night. He even stopped combing his hair, all he knows is that he smokes endlessly, the apartment is always filled with smoke and beer bottles. And all the money goes just for this. Just don't laugh at me, I'm not joking, this is very serious.
I automatically wrote down in the card: .delirium tremens..
“Don’t worry,” I said, “I use a lot.” effective technique, developed. Jung. I call keywords, the patient talks about his associations, and I find out what the reason is painful condition what's going on in his subconscious. Of course, this is a serious matter. I will test it and treat it. The process is long and difficult.
The lady looked at me hopefully and left. I told the secretary to inform the other sufferers that the appointment was over for the day. And he called the husband of the sad lady, but he did not react in any way. He looked terrible: scraggly hair and beard, a distant look, eyes sparkling with an insane fire. “Autism,” I wrote down and, with difficulty dragging the poor fellow to the couch, said:
Please tell us about your mother.
- What can I tell you about her? . The patient suddenly jumped up - all crooked. She's glitching, you bastard, all the time... You won't get any support from her.
“Hereditary depressive psychosis,” I wrote down on the card.
- What can I take from my mother? she's Chinese. -. the patient waved his hand resignedly.
- Chinese? . I was surprised. . You don't seem to look Chinese. What else can you say about her? For example, don’t you want to treat your mother?
- Oh, what have I tried? It hits her at the most crucial moment. If I had the opportunity, I would have changed it long ago. “We have to take it,” the patient sighed. It hangs, you know? It just starts working and then hangs.
So, everything is clear with mom,” I said, writing down: “Suicidal attempts on the part of the mother.” How, um. your dad?
- How how. There are a lot of dads, but they are all rotten. Yesterday mom got stuck again, I went to look, and dad was already without a pin on mom.
Oedipus complex, I wrote down on the card.
- Don't you complain about your memory? - I asked.
- How can I tell you? I'm complaining. “I’m not smart enough, of course,” he said. Eight meters. Because of this, the monsters run slowly, it’s not even interesting. What can you offer inexpensively?
- Tell me about your monsters. - I asked. The patient perked up.
- Just yesterday... you know, we caught such harmful two-headed lizards, so nothing helps from them. Well, it’s clear that the Voodoo doll is good. And the fiery dogs that snoop around everywhere - it’s generally disgusting to be with them, you know. You will burn. until all health is gone. And different monks walk around there, some with machine guns, others with shotguns. I recently jumped out onto the square wearing an invisibility scarf; there are fifteen of them there. Go ahead and shoot. I even felt sorry for them.
How long have you been shooting these monks? . I asked.
- No, just two weeks. Previously, he shot Krauts in the basement. I wrote down: . Paranoid delusions in the acute stage... This man could serve as a teaching aid in psychiatry. It was absolutely clear that the poor fellow could rave like this for hours. He needed urgent hospitalization, and simple psychoanalysis clearly could not help. I felt sorry for the unfortunate wife, sobbing outside the door. but what to do...
By the way, about my wife. - Tell me, why were you fighting with your wife now? - How about what? . the patient was surprised. Like everyone else, because of this very thing. He reached into his bag and pulled out his laptop. Not turned off, by the way... On the screen one could see the gray walls of the castle and some figures in robes.
Oh, so you understand computers? . I was delighted. -. You know, I have a problem here. The patient looked at me suspiciously and asked: “Kettle.” whether? - No, it’s not a kettle, the kettle works, it’s a Philips one, it’s good. I was given a computer as a gift, but it doesn't work. I felt that my voice had become servile, but I could not help it. The computer was desperately needed. The patient approached my indifferent Pentium, clicked the keys and said:
This is a serious matter, I’ll test it now and treat it. Do you have a cigarette? Are you going to smoke yourself? - You know, I don’t actually smoke, but for this occasion. An hour later we had already switched to you... We crawled along the carpet among the parts, wires and screwdrivers, and I discovered that I now understood him perfectly, even if he mumbled inaudibly. After another hour, he asked for something to drink, and I took the guard’s beer from the refrigerator. Then the beer ran out and we switched to cognac, given to me by a previous visitor. At the same time, we decided to try out a computer on the network, connected mine and his and played a little.
I only came to my senses in the evening from the wild scream. A tear-stained woman stood on the threshold.
- Doctor, doctor, I’m calling you, but you don’t hear, just like him. What did he do to you? It's contagious, right?
“Nothing,” I was surprised, mechanically shaking off the ashes onto the carpet, “everything’s okay.” And your husband is fine. And only then did I look at myself in the mirror. I took it off a long time ago and threw it in the corner white robe, remaining in jeans and a cowboy shirt. There were beer bottles and cigarette butts lying on the carpet. My jeans were bubbling at the knees, my hair was tangled, my gaze was distant, and my eyes sparkled with crazy fire.
Life story: Almost unconscious, a wife whispers in bed to her husband: - Take me, take me... - Are you crazy or something? I'm not going anywhere!
... “Chlamydia is a cosmic virus, but this virus is not cosmic, it is Cosmic” (c) From the materials of a doctoral dissertation on Agni Yoga
How they do diplomacy in Odessa.
I’m telling this from the words of one teacher of the OSMU, the main participant in the events, a doctor at an infectious diseases hospital. Soviet times, bourgeois doctors (professors with students) came to us, something like an exchange of experience. Well, we arrived, they were met, we exchanged experiences, everything was as it should be. Well, they took us to show the sights...
And in Odessa the main attraction is... what? That's right, Privoz! They took them to Privoz. When the bourgeois saw our tomatoes, they were delighted, they said that they don’t have such large ones (there is no need to be so happy, this was before Chernobyl). Well, we bought a bucket and let’s immediately run away in joy... forgetting all the doctor’s recommendations, without washing them and all that. And in Odessa at that time there were several cholera epidemics...
So, by the evening, some of the bourgeoisie’s stomachs began to growl, some began to shuttle from the room to the toilet and back... Yes, and one of the students was the professor’s wife (this is a fairly common phenomenon among them), so her, according to Murphy’s law or Who else was screwed there the most? Well, the professor didn’t say anything to any of our luminaries, he treated everyone with some kind of antibiotic of his own. At night, however, the student became very ill (as you know, the most seriously ill patients are brought at night, and certainly on Friday), she was taken to the glorious Odessa infectious diseases hospital, and our today’s teacher was on duty there.
Well, they called him from the KGB (and previously the entire exchange of experience took place under the paternal tutelage of this organization), they told him what was what, that these were Americans and all that. He comes to the intensive care unit, enters the ward and... an oil painting. A former student is lying on the couch with an IV, and next to her, on the FLOOR, a professor is perched on some dirty sheet. Well, naturally, our doctor immediately started an uproar about how, why, etc.
A nurse came running and explained in a whisper: “I came, I looked, there was a girl lying, and some gypsy was sitting next to her, so I made a bed for him...” In general, they were transferred to the very ward, they arranged everything as it should, on the next day the student was already on her feet. The bourgeoisie had to go to Kyiv. They got into the car, with an honorary escort from the brave police in front and behind them, and they drove off. Well, our laboratory (which, by the way, was not in an infectious diseases hospital) took, I beg your pardon, the student’s feces for analysis. Well, they began to check for various microbes, including cholera (since, if you remember, there were several epidemics in Odessa at that time.)
Well, the KGB asked the laboratory what was what, but since the tests were not ready yet, they said that there are cholera vibrios in the stool... A little information - each of us has these same vibrios in our bodies, only there are pathogenic ones (causing cholera) and non-pathogenic (safe for us) vibrios. They had not yet determined which ones were isolated from the student, so they simply said “there are vibrios cholera.” The KGB immediately calls Kiev, they tell the local branch that Americans with cholera are coming to them (and during the cholera epidemic, entire cities were closed, no one was allowed in or out). There is panic in Kiev, the air ambulance sends a helicopter to meet the Americans, from the helicopter the authorities give the order to our police officers to take the Americans back to Odessa, and not to let them out of the car on the way (and the Americans were already approaching Kyiv), fortunately so as not to spread the infection.
The entire cortege turns around and goes back. Well, the situation was explained to the Americans, they are putting up with it, although many already have stomach cramps after eating tomatoes. They are brought back to the infectious diseases hospital in the evening, our teacher is on duty again. The Americans, first of all, rushed to the toilet, which, by the way, was the only one. There has never been such a stir at the toilet since then. Well, the KGB called our doctor again and said it was cholera, and we needed to treat it. The teacher doubted it, he seemed to have seen them recently, they didn’t look much like cholera. But there is nothing to be done, the KGB knows better. It was necessary to take a scraping from everyone's anus for analysis...
When this was told to the Americans, they howled in protest. Well, their professor, as a mature and understanding person, resignedly submitted to this kind of analysis, but the students began to resist. Well, that was not the case, our caring nurses got down to business. One stood in the doorway, blocking the only exit with her immense chest, and the other two caught rushing students in the ward and, one by one, escorted them under white hands for analysis. In general, everyone did the analysis. But the students went on a hunger strike as a protest, the matter smelt of an international scandal...
A friend of mine worked at an emergency hospital for a while, and this is what happened there.
Night. Duty. Everyone had already gone to bed. From time to time, the duty officers are called to admit new patients; each duty officer has his own room. And finally, it was my friend’s turn. “Dima, go to the fourth, there they brought you a man with a closed craniocerebral injury.
- How is your condition?
- Yes, normal, we moved on.
I go up to the emergency room, I see that there is no one on the table, I think there is a person lying on a gurney, now the nurses will see him and we will lift him into the room. I take the accompanying document and read the diagnosis: “CTBI” (see above). I read further in the column “What happened” and was quietly shocked. "Walked. Fell. Swollen. Died."
Honestly, why did the ambulance pull such a trick in the middle of the night? They themselves don’t want to bother with the dead man, they don’t want to call the police, so they slipped it to us. I began to call the brigade that brought this comrade. They connected me with them by radio.
- Well, then, I say, who did you bring me?
- What's wrong? Normal injury:
- Well, he's dead:
- What is he already dead? We were transporting a living one:
- What is written in your accompaniment? "Walked. Fell. Swollen. Died."
Silence on the other end. Then after a pause.
- Dima, we were in a hurry and shortened it: Swelling. Died - Moderate tumor:
I go up to the gurney, and there is a drunken man with a huge lump on his forehead, quietly snoring and sleeping in the hollow.
In a certain hospital there were not enough places (this is not a rare situation), people were put in bed right in the corridor. The corridor was long and narrow, and that's why the doctors called it a sausage. So, one day they brought a new patient to the doctor: an old lady of about 70 years old (at the clinic she was given a referral for a brain scan).
After the appointment, the doctor said a simple, in general, phrase: “We take a picture of the brain and put the granny in the corridor (since there are no empty seats)”, but only in the language of doctors - “We remove the skull, and on to the sausage!” You can imagine the granny's reaction!!!
Yet again real case at the pharmacy. Shelf....underneath there is a sign " contraception".... There is a condom on the left, on the right fallopian spiral......... in the middle (may men forgive me - I didn’t post it) - scissors.
By the way, about round eyes... A friend of mine once told a story from the life of doctors. I'm not an expert and I don't understand the terms, so excuse me.
One ulcer department once received a new Japanese device with light guides for examining the intestines. Moreover, there were 2 light guides - one oral, the second, respectively, anal. There is practically no difference between them. While our Kulibins were mastering the device and training on each other, the oral part broke.
“Aaah, blah,” the Russian doctors said and wanted to push the device into the far corner. But it was not there. A patient came to them for examination, and somehow it turned out that someone somewhere made a fuss about the device, someone was reported somewhere ahead of time, and now a military major stood in front of the doctors with a referral for an examination of exactly this device.
After brief meeting It was decided to conduct the examination through the mouth, but with an anal light guide. The light guide was new, never used, but it didn’t fit into the opening of the mouth spacer - it was a little thicker. Scratching their heads a little, the doctors fitted some kind of metal ring under the spacer, one of those that are the first to tuck under the arm, and tried to insert the light guide into the major.
Well, what can you do - there are people who find it difficult to even swallow pills, let alone light guides. The major was one of those. I don’t know if he used wire cutters in the army to cut through the enemy’s barbed wire, but his powerful jaws broke the metal ring into 4 pieces and bit through the new Japanese light guide, which he spat out.
What does it have to do with it Round eyes, you ask? A couple of days later, a Japanese specialist from a branch of the company arrived from Moscow. So, when he saw the bitten anal light guide, with teeth marks, his eyes not only became round, they also climbed onto his forehead along with his glasses. He twirled the light guide in his hands for a long time and whispered something in Japanese. As a well-mannered person, he did not ask unnecessary questions, but collected spare parts and left for the company, promising to send a new unit. They say that he even boarded the plane with the same wide-open eyes.
A young Canadian venereologist, Robert Clechard, went to a small village on the island of Newfoundland. His task was to take blood tests from local residents (in total, 23 men and 14 women aged 22 to 47 live in this village). Residents of the village are engaged fishing and logging. All women are married.
The young doctor took blood tests and brought them to the mainland clinic. There he spent necessary tests and found out that all the residents of this village had AIDS. This is what they hastened to tell them.
When Kleshar was sent to the same village for repeated tests 5 months later, he found complete bedlam there. Residents decided to live out the rest of their days in style. They withdrew money from their accounts and indulged in drinking and debauchery. Kleshar was shocked by what he saw. The champagne flowed like a river; everyone had long forgotten who was whose husband and wife. We acted on the principle: I love whoever I want. Naturally, everyone abandoned work.
Somehow Kleshar managed to take blood tests from the participants in the orgy, which took place under the motto “we are living our last hours.”
A day later, Kleshar felt ill. Why? Yes, because repeated tests showed the absence of any hint of AIDS. When the residents of the village were informed about this, the hops disappeared from them in an instant.
The trial is underway. 14 families were broken up. A lot of money wasted. Residents of the village are demanding compensation from Kleshar in the amount of almost $3 million. True, some of them do not regret anything. As we found out, these are mostly bachelors.
After graduating from the institute, I did an internship in intensive care. And then one day in the spring they bring a guy - a victim of unhappy love. I must say that in the spring they simply bring such idiots to hospitals in batches, their hormones are raging:
That guy was poisoned by something, but not completely. They pumped him out, gave him an IV, and he lies there. And since all this time he was yelling that he wouldn’t live without her, that he would kill himself, they tied him to the bed with straps. Since everything is fine with the boy, we need to transport him from the intensive care unit, which is what I was instructed to do.
I’m taking him with an IV, but he doesn’t calm down - he’s screaming. I got a little tired of this and decided to make fun of it.
- Oh, so I say, you don’t want to live, well, you don’t have to, you will be an organ donor, and I disconnect his IV. The action is harmless, but it still produces the same effect.
And I take him further. He became quiet. I approach the elevator. But I must say that it could be transported in two ways: from above, and through the basement, where the morgue is. So I get into the elevator and they ask me where to go: Upstairs, or to the morgue? I speak:
- To the morgue.
The boy turns white and begins to mutter something about killer doctors. When we got to the bottom, he started yelling at the top of his voice - “Save, help, they’re killing!”
And everyone sees that the man is clearly not himself, strapped to the bed, and they don’t pay any attention to this, someone calms him down:
- It does not hurt; be patient; once and done and so on...
The boy understands that this is clearly a universal conspiracy, remembers all the films where people’s organs are cut out and falls into complete prostration... When they got to the ward, it became scary to look at him, he lay all white, submissive to fate.
He didn’t try to commit suicide again, shock therapy!
Sophia
We came to Sophia every day, or even twice. Exhausted cancer, she called an ambulance so that she could be given analgesics prescribed by the therapist. Despite the physical and heartache(her son is an alcoholic and drug addict), she was always friendly with us, waited patiently, and was never indignant. if we were gone for a long time. When we arrived, she and I talked briefly about life, faith (there were Orthodox books on the shelf), and everyday difficulties. A short dialogue, but she wanted us to sit and talk some more. Of course, they remembered the disease, but I explained that there are cases of recovery of almost hopeless patients, she believed and waited. And there were calls not only during the day, but also in the evening and at night. Sophia kept the door open, she couldn’t meet us in the hallway as before, but the room was clean, she was neatly dressed, she had a scarf tied around her head (she was undergoing chemotherapy), and in Sophia’s eyes there was pain and patient waiting. My last call to her was almost no different from the previous ones, questions and answers, injections, wishes for recovery. But when we were getting ready, Sophia for some reason asked about my name and patronymic. As I was leaving, I heard: “Thank you, Anatoly Anatolyevich.” It seemed like nothing unusual, but I was leaving for another city and wasn’t in the ambulance for four days. And these days, no, no, yes, I remembered Sophia and her question. When I arrived on duty, the first thing I did was ask my colleagues how Sophia was doing? And I found out that I had seen her in last time. Five years have passed, and I remember Sophia, and I can’t understand why, on the last day of her life, she needed to know my name?grieving cat
We come to Fedorovka for a call. We approach the gate, and a gray-striped creature rushes in front of us and brazenly climbs ahead of us into the house. A paralyzed granny sits in the room, relatives are fussing, packing things for the hospital. And on the table, next to grandma’s chair, sits Gray cat. It was a bandit cat, a local punk, a terror of dogs and chickens. Lean, torn ear, impudent green eyes. He folds his ears back, shifts from paw to paw, hunches over and looks at his sick owner. And that was the look on his face! Yes, yes, exactly faces. Such grief and participation, emotion, that we looked at him and said: “But the cat understands everything.” Relatives (grandmothers) confirmed: “The cat understands everything, loves grandma, but he just doesn’t know how to talk.” When the patient was carried on a stretcher to the car, the cat trudged behind, tail and ears tucked between its legs, and wondered how it would live for the next few weeks. Everything ended well. The cat waited for his grandmother from the hospital, listens to her, nods in agreement, meows. I haven't learned to speak yet.Lazarus
On Chaikina 43, a homeless man died on a bench at the entrance. We arrived, examined the body, looked into the string bag (glass container and Troyar). The last person to find him alive was a gray stray cat, sitting next to him, but he was silent. After waiting for the police, we arrived at the substation. I’m sitting, describing the body in the call card, suddenly I’m announced for a call, “repeat”. I take a card: “Oh, horror! Chaikina is 43, dying on a bench.” I called the senior doctor: “You see, SM, this is my homeless man, I was with him 5 minutes ago, he couldn’t resurrect, he’s not Lazarus!” But the order is to go! Everything is in place: the homeless man, the cat, the apple in the hand of the deceased. An alert citizen was walking home, noticed the body, and called an ambulance. Again I wait for the police and arrive at the substation. Repeat, what, he died again?! How long is it possible!? In general, I described the same thing three times on the card, and the police came for inspection seven times. The cat was stunned by such attention!Internal organs
We come to drug addicts. One is lying at the entrance on a bench. Breathing every once in a while, face blue. There are several “strangers” nearby. What do we hear from them: “And here the man feels bad,” “we don’t know him, but he has diseased heart", "he's not a drug addict, he drank beer," etc. And threats and swearing were addressed to them, complaints about the arrival time (to a person with an altered consciousness, a minute seems like an hour). This time they were overly aggressive. What We just didn’t hear anything addressed to us! Selective swearing and a desire to deal with us. Out of the corner of my eye I notice that there is an OVO car standing nearby. In it, three armed officers are watching what is happening. I approach and ask: “Why are you sitting, inactive? We are threatened and insulted. “In response: “What can we do?” In fact, what can they do, the forces are not equal: three policemen in armored vehicles with machine guns and 6-7 drugged drug addicts. True, one of the “vegetable growers” has the remains conscience and duty fought with indifference and cowardice. He will open and close the door, sit in an embrace with a machine gun, think and open and close again. They ran away " internal organs“on a mission, and we brought the drug addict back from the other world, the “outsiders” immediately remembered where he lived and took him with them. At parting, they said something incomprehensible. Either “thank you,” or “we will meet again.”Mayne Reid
A husband and wife, having gotten drunk in company, quarreled to smithereens. The wife, running home, began to “die.” She rolls her eyes, moans, lies in the corridor and pays zero attention to her husband’s lamentations. What do they do in such cases? Well, of course they call an ambulance. So we found a lady lying on the floor, with alcoholic amber, and a spouse who demanded revival. The woman was brought to her senses ammonia. She jumped up as if stung, swearing at us and went into the bedroom. The theater has lost an actress! And the viewer, who is also the husband, is trying to understand. what happened, he asked: “Do you hear, doctor, what’s wrong with her?” I explain: “Solve your personal problems tomorrow, without alcohol, your wife is hysterical, you had a fight, make up.” And then the following dialogue occurred between us: “I didn’t understand, she is alive? -Alive, just drank a little too much. -Will nothing happen to her? -Everything will be OK. -Will she live until morning? -He will live. Crossing his arms, blue from tattoos, on his chest, looking at me, my husband said in a nasal voice: “Well, look, . . . , if with my wife. . . what happened. . . , I am those. . . head off atharva! - he said, and breathed vodka and anger. The prospect of decapitation did not suit me in any way." Well, what is this, a doctor - and without a head?! Although believe me, this also happens. Examining the rings impaled on the fingers of "Mine Reed", I delicately explained: - You know, among my patients, there are people with a criminal past. And they asked, in case of conflicts, to invite them for resolution. I’ll call you now, they’ll come to you and you will repeat everything that you told me. Okay? For the first time I saw a drunk sober up before my eyes! Apparently the liver increased in size, and the production of alcohol dehydrogenase increased by a hundred people. -Doctor, it’s not me for you! It’s her (the wife’s), it’s all her fault! Sorry, I lost it! Don’t call anyone! In general, while we were getting down and walking to the car, he trotted after and appealed to my generosity and forgiveness. I promised to think...Stretcher
Each of us has been called out on the street, heard the indignation of the crowd, reproaches, threats to call “whoever needs it.” And when we ask for help loading the patient onto a stretcher and carrying it to the car, often the “sympathizers” disappear without saying “goodbye.” What a street! On call, in the apartment, I say to the patient’s daughter: “Please, find 3-4 men, they will help us carry your mother out.” And in response: “Where can I find men? We’ve only recently lived here. There are only disabled people and pensioners at the entrance.” I explain that you can’t bear a 100-kilogram grandmother together with a paramedic, and there are 360 apartments in your building. “How can I ask people!?” - asks the daughter. It all ended with the paramedic leaving and after 3-4 minutes (!) returning with three Caucasians who silently, without persuasion, helped us, and after that they thanked us for a long time for taking care of the elderly. By the way, they were not residents of this house. They were just walking down the street and responded to a request. I don’t remember a case where representatives of Wed. Asia and the Caucasus were denied help! It is their custom to help those in need! My fellow tribesmen are also kind people, but the phrases: “do your damn job”, “you are paid - you bear it”, reproaches, insults, threats, I only heard from them.Nitroglycerine
It is known that the road to intensive care unit. How? Yes, very simple. It's no secret that our patients know more than the most titled doctor. And they help each other with their medicines. One citizen, feeling dizzy, sat down on a bench. Good people, suspecting a heart attack(!), gave me nitroglycerin. It didn't get better, on the contrary, it got much worse. And then another pill, and then another. In short, by the time the ambulance arrived, the patient was unconscious, and good people They rubbed the 21st nitroglycyrinine into her gums (!)! Thank you for not leaving it unattended.How much time?
There were no signs of trouble. Well, posterolateral infarction, so what? Arterial pressure normal (although I noticed that the pulse pressure was low), the pain was relieved, everything was fine. There were even kind people, in the early summer morning, ready to help us and carry the patient on a stretcher to the car. And I, probably for the 10th time, asked the patient if there was pain and shortness of breath, if he felt well, measured the pressure, reviewed the ECG. Something made me feel uneasy, something kept me in the apartment for those minutes. Okay, it's time. I give the order to the assistants with the stretcher to shift the patient carefully. And he, absolutely calm, looks at his relatives, friends, at me and asks: “What time is it now?” I answer: “Twenty minutes past six.” At this moment, the apoptosis mechanism, a biological clock mine set to self-destruct, apparently worked, something else! The patient wheezed, face, neck, upper half chest turned blue. Stopping breathing and cardiac activity. Cardiopulmonary resuscitation and a statement of “death in the presence of the brigade.” Myocardial infarction and pulmonary embolism – you can’t imagine a worse combination. If I had rushed the transportation, it would have happened in the car or on the stairs. What held you back? Why did he ask about the time? In about a month, I pick up another patient with a heart attack. I calmly bring it to cardiology and leave it in good hands. Marina (paramedic) tells me: “It smelled like death in the car.” She was with me on that same ill-fated call. And she says that when they approached the hospital, the patient asked her what time it was. Remembering how the previous answer ended, Marina hid her hands in her pockets. And she told the patient that she doesn’t wear a watch.BUM
Homeless Korovkin (last name changed) was our regular customer. As soon as Troyar faints from hunger and cold, passers-by immediately call an ambulance. And we take him to hospitals, where they diligently do not accept him, they find diseases that they cannot treat, and they simply refuse him. For some reason, the “sword of Damocles” of the articles of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation “failure to provide medical care, leaving one in danger” is felt only in the ambulance. So once again, Korovkin ended up with the police, they called him “unconscious” (they don’t know any other reason), and gave him to us. “Volodya, why don’t you live at home?” - I ask. “They don’t bother me to go home, there are no places in the socialist society, they kicked me out of the sober club,” he answers. Well, we went to therapy, where they “kicked” him, having discovered a fistula after a fracture lower jaw. Korovkin was treated with this fistula every month. “Volodya, will you go to the club?” I ask. “No, you took me that time, they didn’t take me, it took me so long to get home. I’d rather go home.” And he wandered off somewhere. We didn't see him for a long time. One day, while reading a chronicle of incidents around the city, an article about teenage crime caught my eye. Where it was said that in one of the microdistricts, teenagers beat and set fire to a homeless man. Korovkin died in a hospital where they did not want to take him.Football
"Remember Lena," ambulance“For you, enemy number one,” - this is how the therapist explained the meaning of working in the emergency room to the intern. If we are enemies, then who are the patients? Obviously, we are not friends. So, one guy suffered all week from chills, cough, weakness. Finally I understood - it's because of the pressure! I found ACE inhibitors, nitrates, beta-blockers at home and took everything according to what the therapist had once prescribed. Took it hot bath, and when he came out of it, he sprawled on the floor. We arrived, examined him, and took an ECG. Blood pressure is reduced, bradycardia, decreased breathing. responds well to atropine. They brought me to therapy, but they wouldn’t take me there. Well, they don’t take it and that’s it! The ECG shows "heart attack" functional diagnostician writes "a heart attack cannot be ruled out." They don’t listen to the medical history at all! I agree with the senior doctor. Well, you've kicked the bucket - take it! In cardiology, they listened carefully, inside and out, looked at the ECG, agreed that the “effect of the first dose”, collapse, possibly pneumonia, but we can’t take it, there’s no room! In the waiting room, the therapist is happy, but how! The emergency diagnosis was confirmed in cardiology, there is no heart attack, I don’t want treatment! Everything is fine, but after all the moving, loading and unloading on a gurney, our patient. when he was lifted into the department, he developed pulmonary edema at low pressure. We've finished the game, "footballers"!Retribution
A young man with a dog was returning home. At my entrance I saw that two drunken subjects were relieving themselves. The guy asked to go through, reprimanded them, and naturally heard an offer to look into it. “I don’t want to fight with you, and I don’t advise you,” he said, and the Rottweiler growled displeasedly. Then there were threats from those two and the promise of an unenviable fate for the dog and the owner. It all ended in a fight. The dog, true to its duty, grabbed one of the villains in the hand with a knife, and then in the throat. By the time the police and ambulance arrived, it was all over. The one who fought with the guy got away with a concussion, and the second one was a textbook on the anatomy of the head and neck. There was a trial. the guy was acquitted, but the dog had to be put to sleep, the dog got to know the taste of blood. The bastard, whose throat was torn out by a dog, celebrated his release from prison. Several years ago, not far from where he died, he beat and set fire to a man who died from his injuries. This is such a terrible retribution.Why are you saving them?
Again a challenge. again to another lover of altered consciousness. We easily and naturally return him from nirvana, and children run from the nearest sandbox to see what kind of miracle is sneezing all over the yard. The children are standing and whispering. Finally the bravest one. about five or six years old, comes up to me. holds a stuffed tiger in his hands and a dialogue takes place between us: - Uncle, what’s wrong with that uncle? -This is a drug addict. - How's that? -He doesn’t want to live like a person, he wants to die, he injects all sorts of rubbish into his veins. Do you understand? -Yes. Why are you saving him? -That's how it works. Save and provide assistance to everyone. It's clear? -Yes. What if you don’t save me? -If I don’t save you, then problems and questions may arise because of him. It's clear? -Yes. What if you save me? - Yes, you see, he’s already breathing. saved. Now he will go looking new dose, will steal, rob, inject drugs into other boys and girls so that they will also get sick. It's clear? The child hugged his tiger cub to his chest as if he was scared. that he, too, could become a victim of drug addiction, quietly said: “I see,” and went to his friends to share what he had heard. Suddenly he stopped, turned around, and looking into my eyes asked: “So why are you saving them?!”Candles
We tell and explain everything to parents whose child is sick, more than once. They ask - we answer, we ask - they answer. There are interesting dialogues. -Age of the child? Date of Birth? -Ninety-eighth. - Full date, please. -One thousand nine hundred. . -I understand that it’s not 1898! Date, month? Then an examination, a survey, recommendations: -The temperature can be reduced by physical cooling, it will not help, then medications. That's when we get ARVI. . . -Are you sick too?! -Well, yes, it happens. -But you are a doctor! -Even though I’m a doctor, I’m also a humanoid! They don’t understand how doctors get sick? -Parents, do you have any vodka? -It was somewhere, but which one do you need? - No matter. I see my parents panicking, trying to find out who and where saw the vodka for the last time, and with whose help it evaporated. -Not for me, but for your child. They look at me like I'm a pest doctor. I continue to explain cooling methods and show how to dry a child. -From medicines, children better than candles. Are there any candles at home? -I have, why? I start telling a child how to insert a candle, and the parents look at me like I’m an idiot. I catch their questioning glance. -Candles are not paraffin or stearic! And rectal! The young parents are happy and have learned a lot. A little disappointed, the doctor turns out to be normal. Eh, otherwise they would have told everyone, the doctor is an idiot because of the temperature - he prescribed paraffin suppositories, and even asked for vodka. Here they are, pests in white coats! That's probably all. It’s not often that there are comical situations on calls, this is one of the few. Otherwise it’s all about the sad, and the sad. . .
I work as a urologist. Important point upon examination - palpation of the prostate. A patient has arrived. When it came to such intimate areas human body, I warn you:
- Now I’ll palpate your prostate through the rectum...
- Why stick your finger up your ass?!
- You can call it that.
- Without lubrication?
- Why? I'll lubricate it with Vaseline.
- Ah... well, if you use Vaseline, then at least with three fingers!
I told the story to my colleagues. Best comment: “In such cases, a joke always comes to mind: Sergei was told that fisting is not painful. They fooled a fool with four fists!”
****
Don't underestimate the intelligence of patients. They are smarter than doctors, if only because they did not go into medicine.
****
In the late nineties, we had a little guy in intensive care, far from handsome, who worked as a plumber. Two women with the appearance of top models went to visit him.
She sobs loudly “save Leshenka,” they say, I will do everything for you, the children will get into kindergarten without a queue, into the coolest schools. She turns out to be the head of education.
The second is any loan at the most low interest, only let Leshenka live. The aunt turned out to be a banker.
At first they thought they were his sisters, but they didn’t guess - his wife and mistress.
And this Leshenka lies there, not so much dying as pretending, tearfully asking:
- Let my girls come to me, I’ll look at them, talk to them, maybe we won’t see each other again.
We decided to let it in, everyone was curious, the scene was a husband, wife and mistress.
The aunts hug, cry, one supports the other, Leshenka was almost kissed to death. And this bastard lies there and gives them instructions on how to make the beds at the dacha. And the women howl and agree.
Leshenka checked out and didn’t even say thank you, but the girls kept their promises and settled the children and gave them loans.
So many years have passed, and we are still tormented by the question, what did they find in him?
****
Quotes from great patients:
- FGDS in the morning? Yes, I know, this is when you swallow TV.
****
Testament of the scoured doctor from reception department:
When the patient enters in serious condition, then the main thing is to have time to take tests and carry out as many X-rays, ultrasounds, etc. as possible. The patient must die examined. Otherwise it will be difficult to write a posthumous one.
****
Senior management can kick the attending physician even if, for reasons beyond his control, something was not done mandatory list actions. The check does not care that the patient died in the evening an hour after admission and therefore did not pass a stool culture in the morning or that a coagulogram is not done at all because the device is broken - all forms and results should be in the history and that’s it.
And semi-clinical local therapists are being shaken for unfilled documentation for the All-Russian medical examination. The fact that a person does not want to be examined for some reason or does not live at the place of attachment is not an excuse.
****
A grandmother of 75 years fully supported a family of 4 people - her son and daughter-in-law work, two grandchildren, 14 and 17 years old, study. She cooked, washed, cleaned. The grandmother suffered from lumbosacral osteochondrosis, diabetic polyneuropathy and seronegative rheumatoid arthritis. The patient did not see a doctor for 5 years and did not take medications. A month ago, her legs “stopped walking” due to a combination of exacerbations of chronic diseases. diseases and lack of adequate therapy. Relatives come to the local therapist with a demand to increase the disability group from 2 to 1 within a WEEK, and in development, and arrange for diapers and a multifunctional bed, because in a week the grandmother will be taken to the dacha.
The daughter-in-law asks a question:
- Are you suggesting that we buy her diapers?
Receives the answer:
- This is YOUR mother.
The answer was silence and then an order:
- Do everything for us and quickly! .
What else will this lead to? big question, because there is nothing to strengthen with. Diapers for a month - 5000 rub. It’s hard for grandma to buy them. She raised them without diapers. Scum.
****
As EMS drivers say:
- Extreme driving courses are complete nonsense! First, try driving at night through a yard full of cars.
Can not argue with that...
****
A story about patients. Telemedicine.
In light of the latest theses from the government, allow me, my friends, to share a clear example of it.
So, as usual late in the evening, a sick representative of the small peoples of the north visited me. Referral for hospitalization with acute bilateral sinusitis.
Well, I say, complain, share what bothers you.
- I’ve been sick for three months now, I took different antibiotics, here I have certificates from different hospitals, prescribe me treatment, I won’t get pierced. Here. But I already have antibiotics intestinal disorder(yep, to the jet-powered toilet).
A chewed hedgehog, six certificates from various hospitals, and everywhere my aunt refused a puncture, and every time new antibiotic progressively, but she should be afraid to fart and think about it.
- No, I will not prescribe any treatment for you on an outpatient basis. We either do a puncture and receive proper treatment, or we go home, with no options.
In general, the aunt agrees, punctuates, of course, with a one-man show, rolling her eyes and depicting universal sorrow, washing out all sorts of old dirty tricks, but quite calmly.
Well, what stopped you from having a puncture three months ago?
- I tried to be treated by a healer.
- Soooo... And why didn’t it work?
- I couldn’t get through to Yakutia...
Having finished the story, I return to the staff room, and there is a report on the box about a shaman-healer dancing with a tambourine on the banks of either the Lena or the Yenisei... Well, it’s clear why my aunt didn’t get through on the phone. What the hell is “telemedicine” if in the taiga and tundra there is still mosquito-powered mail...
****
3 a.m. The reason for the call was “Repeated heart attack”, 55 years old. On the way, I kept wondering who made the diagnosis. The “client” opened the door and ran to go to bed.
- What worries you?
- Nothing. I woke up at 2 o’clock, lay there and thought, what if I had a heart attack?!
- Do you have chest pain?
- No. But when I had a heart attack 3 years ago, there was pain. Now there is no pain, but what if it’s still a heart attack? Give me a cardiogram! You are required!
Of course we did it.
And an injection.
Hello ours good friend aminazine What would we do without you?!
****
In the hospital, for trauma, they give out 10 ampoules of lidocaine per day, sometimes more, and a decent amount of novocaine, in general, you need to dilute antibiotics (ceftriaxone), but injections with novocaine still hurt, so we tell patients, if possible, buy lidocaine. In general, she came to us collective complaint about 12 people that nurses are extorting this drug. Now the manager’s order: do not inject lidocaine under any circumstances, even if patients buy it and ask to dilute the drug with it, and if they are allergic to novocaine, then dilute it with physical therapy. solution.
As Dr. Pilyulkin said: “Treatment should be educational in nature!”
****
At 4 am call for heart pain! The paramedic, completely unconscious, trying to take a cardiogram, says to the granny, “Spread your legs, I need your breasts.”
To regional vascular center At the beginning of December, a 74-year-old resident of the Ivolginsky district of Buryatia was admitted to the Semashko Republican Clinical Hospital. The patient was given all necessary help, the condition after treatment was stable, but unknown reasons did not decline elevated temperature. Attending physician to check possible anemia, prescribed a gastroscopy, that is, to swallow the intestine and look at what is going on there on the mucous membrane of the esophagus, stomach, duodenum...
The throat and esophagus were in perfect condition, but when the doctor got to the stomach, an amazing and completely unexpected picture appeared. In the stomach, in the chyme (liquid contents of the stomach, consisting of partially digested food, gastric and intestinal juices, gland secretions, bile) there was a huge amount of foreign bodies. A detailed inspection revealed nails, screws, and bolts. The doctor tried to remove it using an endoscope foreign bodies, it was possible to pull out 4 nails, but the doctor did not take any further risks and urgently called surgeons for a consultation.
The story told by the famous doctor Sergei Petrovich Botkin (in whose name Botkin Hospital named), he also invented jaundice. The time of the story is the end of the 80s of the 19th century.
Here, Ivan Mikhailovich, I had an interesting patient today, your fellow countryman; I signed up in advance, accepted, said hello, sat down in a chair and began to narrate:
“I must tell you, professor, that I have been living in the village almost forever for a long time, I still feel healthy and lead a very correct life, but still, when I got to St. Petersburg, I decided to consult with you. Let's say in the summer I get up at four o'clock and drink a glass (tea) of vodka; They give me a droshky and I drive around the fields. I’ll arrive home around 6 1/2 o’clock, drink a glass of vodka and go around the estate, barnyard, horse yard and so on. I’ll return home at about 8 o’clock, drink a glass of vodka, have a snack and go to bed to rest. I’ll get up at 11 o’clock, drink a glass of vodka, and work with the headman and mayor until 12. At 12 o'clock I will drink a glass of vodka, have lunch and after lunch lie down to rest. I'll get up at 3 o'clock, drink a glass of vodka... etc.
The scheme is as follows: medical worker call and introduce themselves as employees of the investigative authorities, the prosecutor's office (variations) and report (sample dialogue):
- You are worried about the investigator of the prosecutor's office Pridumkin. Are you So-and-so Ivanovna?
- Yes I.
- On such and such a date you were on call at the address: Moscow, Kremlin, (for example) with comrade S.I. Kovalenko?
- Well, maybe... What happened?
- Do you know that your patient has died?
- ???
- The relatives of the deceased filed a statement accusing you of untimely provision of medical care, misdiagnosis, negligence, incorrect prescription of therapy, etc. Article 118, term up to three years. But the issue can be resolved...
It was more than a hundred years ago, April 10, 1901. An extremely unusual experiment was conducted in Dorchester, Massachusetts. Dr. Duncan McDougall was going to prove that the mass of the human soul can be measured.
In his clinic, Dr. Duncan McDougall built a special bed, which was a giant scale with high sensitivity, up to several grams. He placed six patients in the dying stage on this bed in succession. Mostly tuberculosis patients were observed, since they were in a state of immobility in their dying hours, which was an ideal case for precise work fine mechanism of scales. When the patient was placed on a special bed, the scales were set to zero. Then the readings of the scales were monitored until the death of the patient. At the time of death, weight loss was recorded.
Morning at the morgue forensic medical examination it started as usual. Employees arrived and those on duty were preparing to hand over their shifts. “Clients” started to arrive. Two doctors, one handing over the shift, the other taking over the shift, sat in the office, discussing current affairs.
There was a knock on the door. Then the door opened and a huge orderly walked in, about two meters tall and weighing one and a half centners. He said hello and asked:
- Sergeich, where are we going to put the racket?
- What kind of racket? - asked the receiver.
“Yes, here’s the thing,” Sergeich hesitated, “you understand, the attack on us was at night, well, not really an attack, but just like that, the “guests” came by.
“Enough with the riddles, everything is around the bush, tell it like it is,” the receiver said with interest.
- Okay, no bother, listen.
While there are juices, smoothies and various detox drinks that help cleanse the body and improve metabolism, nature has also provided us with products that have the same properties. These 10 foods will help unclog your arteries, protect your heart, and possibly prevent seizures.
1. Avocado
Replace the mayonnaise on your burger or sandwich with avocado. Research has shown that daily consumption Avocado normalizes blood cholesterol levels (lowers LDL and increases HDL). HDL is “good” cholesterol, which helps keep your arteries clear of deposits.
2. Asparagus
Asparagus is a natural artery cleansing food. It can help lower blood pressure and prevent blood clots, which can cause cardiovascular diseases. This vegetable is full of fiber and minerals. In addition, asparagus contains a long list of vitamins, including K, B1, B2, C and E.
A year ago I got very sick with the flu. Medicines from the pharmacy did not particularly help. One woman advised me to drink in the morning warm water with honey and lemon. Naturally, I was skeptical about this recommendation. But I tried it anyway. The flu has passed. And I began to really like this warm drink. And I started drinking every day. This tradition is already a year old. During this time, my body completely transformed in an unexpected way.
And that's what has changed.
1. I haven’t had a cold for a year now. And I no longer have stomach pains.
I must say that I never believed in the power folk remedies. I was a drugstore slave. My stomach hurt, I took pills. Tortured chronic fatigue? I took vitamin tablets. Well, you get the idea. But this year I haven’t even sneezed once. My headaches are a thing of the past. Now I take honey and lemon everywhere I go. I drink this drink even in hotels.
Everyone's attitude towards their health is different. More often for medical care women apply. Men - when it comes. And if we're talking about about intimate sphere, only when the rooster punches a hole in the crown.
Working as a doctor ultrasound diagnostics I observe an interesting attitude towards the scrotal organs of young people and men mature age. They endure until the last minute, and suddenly it resolves...
Patient: young man from 20 to 35 years old.
Diagnosis: acute epididymitis.
Dialogue with the patient:
- What were you waiting for? Why didn't you come earlier?
- I thought it would pass...
- Well, that's it... we'll have to cut it off...
The patient, at best, bites his lip and holds back tears; at worst, he faints slightly.
Once we got together with colleagues in a narrow circle, a warm company...
An intimate conversation began, memories began...
I want to tell you one curious incident - one of us began his story. - When I was studying at the institute, a certain associate professor named Ukho taught at one of the departments...
“Well, what’s so curious about that,” his neighbor interrupted impatiently. - We had an associate professor at the Department of Surgery named Krivorukov, so what?
- This assistant professor had one distinguishing feature, which set him apart from the crowd of similar associate professors - he demanded that in all orders at the institute he be called simply “Associate Professor Ukho”, without initials,” the narrator continued, smiling mysteriously.
- And why? - we asked interestedly.
- And because his name was, imagine, Evgeniy Borisovich! - the doctor told us, choking with laughter.
- So what of that? - we were still perplexed.
There was a doctor at our children's hospital, an adult, respectable man.
He has a young intern sitting there, writing something down for him.
A woman and a boy came for an examination.
The boy is two years old. Doctor:
- Well, show and tell.
She undressed the child:
- Our pussy is not growing!
- How so? Everything seems to be fine.
- They told me that I should grow a centimeter a year!
The intern is covered in paint, and the doctor...